


Happily Ever After?

by ALPHAwolf



Series: Kuroshitsuji Crack [2]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Crack, For comedic purposes, Humor, M/M, Sexual Content, crackity crack, implied Claude/Sebastian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 07:38:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7749007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALPHAwolf/pseuds/ALPHAwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a victorian time, in a mansion far far away...<br/>An insane attempt to get Undertaker to talk leads to a wild show of skit plays and even more crazy pairings! Featuring timeless tales like red riding hood, repunzel, the princess and the frog and the three bears performed by the beloved characters of Kuroshitsuji, be captivated and confused by these intriguing tales of miss-told fantasies with a twist!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happily Ever After?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this makes you lol like it made me lol, and I wrote it XD All the usual disclaimers! Enjoy!

_Once upon a Victorian time, in a mansion far far away..._

 

"Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a young girl, clothed in a beautiful red hood."

Alois walked through the forest carrying a basket, a red hood over his head, draped down his sides like he was bathed in blood.

"I should have been Red! Look at me! That boy completely ruins that beautiful cloak!" Alois rolled his eyes and looked to Grell, whom had made himself present beside the narrator, his whiny voice pushing his argument he had been unable to win since the director/narrator had begun casting yesterday.

"And _he's_ not even a _she_! I am far more suited for the role-ooouff!" Now safely under Sebastian's shoe, face smushed into the ground, the narrator closed her book momentarily and looked down from where she was sitting.

"I have already explained why you were not suited for this role Mr. Suitcliff. YOU'RE NOT CUTE ENOUGH!" Grell coward from Elizabeth's deadly outburst and passionately dangerous eyes. How could someone so dedicated to being the definition of cute suddenly become so terrifying?

Elizabeth immediately smiled again and returned to the story.

"Because of her beautiful crimson hood she was called Little Red Riding Hood. One day, while on a journey through the woods to her sickly grandmother, Little Red Riding Hood had the feeling she was being followed, or watched."

Alois walked on through the woods, looking to the shadows in the trees behind and before him, fearing paranoia as they seemed to move. Desperate to leave the suddenly creepy woods he sped up his pace.

"In these woods there lived the Big Bad Wolf. He stalked the little girl quietly, seeking to eat the girl and the goodies in her basket. Which she should not have been eating herself!" Alois spat out the cookie in his mouth and smiled nervously before taking a swig of the wine and packing everything back safely in the basket.

"Out of the shadows the wolf appeared before her-"

"HOLY SHIT! Back animal!" Claude, dressed in a black fluffy suit, tail and ears, cringed as Alois beat him with his basket, attacking with vigour. "Get away from me you ugly fucking-!"

"The young naive girl foolishly greeted him and easily fell for his trickery!!!" Alois stopped and looked to the narrator while the 'Big Bad Wolf', beaten to the ground, crawled a distance back and stood back up, brushing himself off.

"Oh... Sorry." Claude nodded and Alois straightened himself up, putting the hood back on his head.

"Well hello there young child, where might you be headed all alone in the forest?"

"Ugh, when did Claude become a pedo covered in hair?" Alois mumbled annoyed.

"Stick to the script! Says Emily." Alois poked his tongue out to Snake who hid under a bush with the script, along with his many slithering friends.

"See, a fabulous actress, such as myself, would never make such a mistake." Grell commented, swishing his hair away with his hand. Elizabeth smiled sweetly before slamming her book shut and standing. Grell remained unaware as she walked up behind him.

"Oouff!" His face slammed into the floor after Elizabeth’s killing blow to the back of his head with the enormous book of Fairy Tales.

"Um, E-Elizabeth-"

"Oh Ciel, CALL ME LIZZY!" Ciel cringed backwards, holding the axe on his shoulder that little bit tighter. Damn woman must have been ovulating.

"L-Lizzy, perhaps we should return to the story?"

"Oh of course Ciel! You look soooo cuute in that lumberjack uniform!" Ciel's eye twitched and he quickly returned to his post, dreading his turn to act. At least he got to cut Claude open.

Claude coughed to catch the narrator’s attention and the tale continued.

Snake egged Alois on, who was busy taking another swig from the wine skin. The blond quickly wiped his lips clean and recalled his lines.

"I'm off to my sickly grandmother who lives by the lake to deliver her some sweets."

"Well, perhaps your Grandmother would like some flowers?" Claud suggested, exposing a field of flowers to their left.

"I suppose... But it's off the path..." Everyone waited as Alois twisted a lock of hair, showing no interest in going to pick flowers.

"I saw blue bells over there." Claude pointed to a path of grass barely visible past the trees.

"Ohh!" Alois dashed off without warning to look for the flowers he favoured.

"And so, Red Riding Hood went to pick flowers for her Grandmother as The Big Bad Wolf went off to execute his plan." Elizabeth said from her cushioned seat.

"Execute my ass. Lying bastard, there aren't any blue bells. I can't believe I let Ciel talk me into this. I better get a damn good reward. And a bouquet of blue bells."

Ciel groaned and whispered too quiet for anyone to hear. "Sebastian, find the damn idiot blue bells."

"Yes Master." The demon replied before wandering off.

"The girl continued on to her grandmothers, arriving to the quiet little cottage in no time and knocking on the door." Not bothering to knock Alois swung the door open and walked in.

"Grandma, bought ur shit."

"My thanks, child."

"You look weird, worse than a dog's ass. And what a deep voice you have!" Alois said the last part dramatically, the only part actually on the script.

"The better to greet you with."

"Bull shit." He muttered. "Goodness! What bright eyes you have!"

"The better to see you with."

"And what big hands you have~" Alois said seductively, flaunting over to his 'Grandmothers' bedside, slut switch suddenly flicked on.

"The better to grab-I mean, hug you with"

"Ohh, 'Grandmother'~ What a big mouth you have" Alois said with a wink sitting down beside Claude, his hand inching towards the other.

"The better to eat you with!" Claude jumped up and slammed Alois down on the bed, and proceeded to eat him.

"Ahhh! Woah-Ohh! Claude! Oh! Ah-Ha! C-Claude!"

"A lumberjack nearby heard the struggle and broke down the door!"

"Ugh." Ciel opened the door, doubting he could break it down anyway, and tried to hide his disgust at how much Alois appeared to be enjoying Claude trying to eat him. Especially since the demon actually looked ready too, great sharp maws wide and far more deadly than any wolves. It appeared he couldn't get a good bite as the blond wouldn't sit still and kept making the attack sexual.

"The woodcutter confronted the wolf and cut his stomach open with his axe!"

"He-Hey Ciel~! Woah! Steady there Claude~"

"Ugh, help me hold him down idiot." Ciel attempted to climb on the bed with the other two, axe in hand to cut open Claude.

"My pleasure!" Alois sat on Claude's chest, holding down the demon’s arms. "Oh! Watch your hands mister wood cutter~ I don't have wood till the morning~"

"Shut up you damn tart."

"Tart? What about the way you were eating that strawberry tart earlier on set? Treat me like that and I'll be a tart any day~"

"Shut up Alois." Ciel growled through clenched teeth as he slowly sliced the demons costume down the centre.

"The heroic, cute, amazing wood cutter sliced the monster open! Releasing the unharmed grandmother and killing the evil beast!" Claude played dead while Ciel assisted Hannah out of the costume.

Alois scoffed and pushed her out the way.

"Hurry up bitch and pour me wine!"

"Yes, your Highness." Hannah replied bowing.

"And they all lived happily ever after! The end!" Claude, Ciel, Hannah, and Alois all bowed before leaving the cottage set, Hannah rushing after her Master with a glass of wine as he had requested. The scarlet curtains closed on the open stage and the actors departed to the dressing rooms, which were actually carriages.

"That was horrendous." William commented, pushing up his glasses.

"It lacked true quality and beauty! The costumes where fabulous though!" Viscount Druitt said dramatically, standing in the small crowd, spotlight and floating petals automatically shrouding him.

"Of course! I made them!" Miss Nina Hopkins proudly stated.

"It would have been far better with me in it!" Grell complained.

"They did their best!" Elizabeth argued, flipping the books pages to the contents in order to find the next fairy tale they were to perform.

"I think it was rather thrilling."

"Y-Your Highness! When did you arrive?" The hip looking silver haired old-woman sat behind them all on a large royal looking armchair that had somehow appeared, her three guards behind her.

"I came to see the boy for a visit and found him busy playing. A wonderful set up I must say. I told you it wouldn't be a waste of a trip, Grey." Earl Grey rolled his eyes childishly in defeat.

"Thank you your majesty." Elizabeth said bowing.

"If only Albert were here to see. Oh Albert!" The Queen then broke into tears, making everyone highly uncomfortable. Her goggled assistant then rushed to her side with his Albert hand-puppet.  
"Perhaps you should go get dressed for your part in the next play, Mr Suitcliff?" Lau commented before taking a puff of his pipe, then offering it to Ran-Mao who sat on his lap.

"It is LADY Suitcliff! And I shall dazzle you all with my style and finesse." Grell then strutted off in direction of the dressing carriages.  
"Finesse? Does he know what that is?" Bard asked, the words meaning lost to him also.

"He knows what it means, Grell-senpie just can't really do it." Ronald explained from where he sat beside William on his lawnmower.

The stage set up outside the Phantomhive mansion lit, Elizabeth seated on the stages side on an oversized comfortable arm chair holding the fairy tale book. All the guests, invited or not, turned their attention to the next performance.

The red curtains parted to reveal the new setting, so skilfully set in record time by the two demon butlers and one demon maid. A tall tower stood where the cottage had been, a thorny forest surrounding it.

"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess, with hair like silk and long as the tallest tower. In her younger years a witch had used her trickery to convince her parents the only way to find the right ruler for the land was to lock the princess away till a prince found her and the two fell in love. Therefore the princess was locked away, away from the world up in the tallest tower, in a forest shrouded in thorns. Her name was Rapunzel, and tales of her beauty had spread through the land, but none had come to her aid as of yet."

"Oh my prince! When shall we meet! When shall you save me my darling!" Grell leaned on tower window dramatically, sighing sadly and looking out to the forest.

A sword cut through the thorns onto the stage, and Grell watched excitedly as his prince entered, rather clumsily. Ciel finally got through the foliage, causing Elizabeth to drool from his adorably cute prince garb.

The prince and princess stared at each other in confusion.

"THIS is my prince? What the hell?!"

"Well I'm the one scripted, what the hell did you do with the real Rapunzel, Witch?"

"Just go with it, says Webster." Snake said from under a bush.

"This puny thing!? Nu uh, I want a real man thank you very much."

"Man my ass. Bloody demon." William muttered in the crowd.

"Sebastian's busy. What did you do with the REAL Rapunzel scripted?"

"Tch, the blond boys tied up in the long-haired wig back in the dressing room."

"Ugh. Fine. Let’s get on with this. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."

"Humph. You should have more manners when addressing a lady." Grell huffed, turning his back on the other, enjoying the way the dress he wore swished around him when he did.

"PLEASE let down your hair." Ciel growled through clenched teeth

"Hmm, fine." The long red hair was thrown down and Ciel gave it a tug before attempting to climb up.

"Ow!! Get off! So rough! Ooow!" Grell complained holding his hair.

"Shut up! Do you want me to rescue you or what?!"

"Climb up the wall yourself little bastard!"

"You know what, stay up in that damn tower! I hope you throw yourself off!" Ciel turned and left through the hole he'd made in the thorns, leaving to help Alois out of the carriage.

"Brat!" Grell yelled after him.

"Shrew!" Ciel replied, dealing a killing blow. Grell turned and stormed off into the tower.

"Umm, and that's why the princess never left the tower. The End?" Elizabeth said, sounding unsure, lost as to how to finish the story.

"Wonderful!" Victoria clapped, her guards doing the same with far less enthusiasm. "Such a marvellous twist!" Slowly the rest of the crowd began clapping lazily and the curtains were drawn, Claude and Sebastian returning from the kitchen with nibbles to pass around, both looking a little flustered and dishevelled for some odd reason. When the two made eye contact Sebastian's cheeks coloured and he smiled in a cheeky and evil way.

"You'd better go, I hear your master calling." Sebastian commented, sending Claude another cheeky smile.

"My life's ambition." Claude commented emotionlessly, trying to be sarcastic, before walking off to the dressing room. Sebastian covered his mouth to stop laughter seeing the scratches down the back of the others jacket, ripping through his clothes. William rose an eyebrow to him and Sebastian bit his lip still smiling.

"Disgusting lustful demons." He commented. Ronald nodded in agreement smiling.

"William my darling! I'm so forlorn! It should be me and Sebastian playing Romeo and Juliette!" William silence him quickly, shoving the red heads face into the ground.

"Agni, what is this? Where is Ciel?" The crowd turned to the Indian pair who had arrived unexpectedly.

"I believe it is a play, my Prince."

"It's a skit play!" Elizabeth said excitedly, taking a bite from one of the sandwiches Claude and Sebastian had made, noting the oddly bitter, salty and sticky sauce.

"Are you needed to narrate the next play?" The Viscount asked twirling a rose in his fingers.

"No, It's a piece from Romeo & Juliet! I wanted to be Juliet but instead I got to direct everything."

"An important role indeed. Please sit Mister Soma." Lau said sitting calmly.

"Oh, you’re that Chines trading company guy. Okay! It looks fun! Agni! Get me a blanket and pillows to seat myself on!"

"Yes, my beloved Prince!" Agni then hurried off the fetch the asked items, returning in record time with an array of colourful cushions.

Once again the curtains parted and the lights lit dimly. The scene was of Juliette's balcony and the garden below it, the background somehow night with sparkling stars and a full moon. The audience sat captivated, the magical scene impossible to them all in the middle of the day. Sebastian smiled at his good work.

Slowly Juliette strode onto the balcony, her flowing white nightdress making her look angelic, long dark wig done in twin-tales.

"Oh Romeo, Romeo, where fore art though Romeo. Deny thy father and refuse thy claim!" The audience’s jaws fell open, a stifled giggle heard from a certain long haired mortician who was laying on the ground mostly unseen. Ciel was Juliette, and he was playing the part perfectly.

Romeo entered the scene, Alois also playing his part to perfection. The Viscount was tearing up, as was the Queen, and Soma was still trying to figure out who the familiar looking actor playing Juliette was.  
Juliette's maid called for her and it seemed the trance was even thicker cast to the audience with Hannah's soft voice. Ciel shoed her off, in a lady like manner, and the scene continued. Ciel leaned over the balcony and Alois began to climb up.

"'Tis almost morning. I would have thee gone. And yet no further than a wanton’s bird, that lets it hop a little from his hand  
like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves, and with a silken thread plucks it back again, so loving-jealous of his liberty."

"I would I were thy bird." 'Romeo' answer, the actors as captivated as the audience in their own spell. Their eyes never left one another, as if they truly were star crossed lovers.

"Sweet, so would I. Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing. Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow." The two came face to face, noises only inches apart, a breath of soft wind tossing the twos hair and Ciel's nightgown. Their faces inched closer.

"Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast. Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest." Alois spoke softly but strongly, captivated by Ciel. The blond voice grew ever softer as their faces came closer. "Hence will I to my ghostly friar’s close cell, his help to crave and my dear hap to tell." The last word was almost lost as their lips softly pressed together, leaving even Undertaker silent in shock.

"That wasn't in the script, says Webster." Snake whispered as his friends slithered over the script, looking for the inexistent kissing scene.

Alois and Ciel parted, both looking surprised at their own actions, the magical aura unbroken.

"Please tell me the sex scene is next."

SNAP. That was the sound of the spell breaking at Alois's words.

Ciel glared at the other before smiling evilly and grabbing his wrists.

"Woah!" Ciel threw the others hands off the balcony fence, Alois luckily grabbing a hanging vine on the way down so he didn't hit the ground. Ciel turned around and stalked in the room, pissed and embarrassed.

"Aww come on beautiful, I was just, jesting!" Alois begged, hanging from the vine. Ciel re-entered the scene holding a large book, presumably the works of Shakespeare, and stood on the balcony calmly.

"Thee can go fucketh thyself, philanderer!" Ciel then threw the book at 'Romeo', who dropped to the ground before scampering off avoiding other projectiles such as 'Juliette's' slippers and a water glass, which shattered by his feet.

The curtains drew together and the three actors entered the stage, bowing together as the audience applauded.

"You know I've never been so attracted to a woman in my life, my sweet~" Alois whispered bowing beside Ciel. Ciel clenched his teeth and smiled sweetly before hitting the other. Alois cringed as Ciel hit him over again and attempted to run off stage with Ciel running after him, slapping anything he could all the while. Hannah rushed after them, worried for her master as Undertaker covered his mouth to avoid full on harking till all the plays ended. Then he'd laugh to his heart’s content.

Viscount Druitt stood, tears still dripping, and began to dramatically review.

"Such beauty! Such a wonderful tale! So wonderfully twisted to a comedy! Brava! Brava my little cock Robin!"

"C-cock robin?" Mey-Rin stuttered nervously.

Elizabeth returned to her seat on the stage with a fairy tale book in hand, reading the story over again before it was executed.

In no time the curtains reopened and the audience attention was drawn to the red haired and clothed being standing by a small pond. Grell, it seemed, was having another go at his debut. Hopefully this one wasn't a complete cock-up too.

"Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom there lived an unwed princess, fair beauty and sweet lips. She would often visit the castle gardens and ponds to admire their beauty. One day a voice called out to her from the lily pads. 'Princess, O princess,'"

"What is this? A frog has called out to me? What bewitchment has fallen upon you, foul creature?" Grell said seeming disgusted.

"'O princess, if you shall just kiss me once I shall return to my human form! Just a touch of your lips against mine and I shall turn into a handsome prince!'" Elizabeth said, pretending to voice the frog.

"Ew. Really?" The frog gave a 'ribbet' in reply. "All right..." Grell hesitantly picked the frog up and struggled not to drop it, cringing all the while at the horrid complexion of its skin. "Just one kiss," He told himself reassuringly as William face-palmed in the audience at his colleges stupidity. Grell cringed and pursed his lips, slowly getting closer to the frog, who made another ribbet. Their lips quickly touched and Grell threw the frog away spitting and rubbing his mouth.

"Ugh! Yuck! Ew-!"

"We're leaving now Suitcliff, you idiot." William said seeming peeved off, ankle deep in the pond looking serious. He had appeared out of nowhere, leaving Grell and Ronald stunned momentarily, surprised they had not noticed him leave his seat.

"Oh William! My prince!" Grell jumped the other, causing them both to fall back into the pond and Undertaker to giggle, covering his mouth to hide it.

The frog ribbited again and hopped off set as the curtains drew and the audience clapped unenthusiastically, Ciel left face-palming at the performance.

Grell and William emerged from behind the stage soaking, Grell looking happy and clinging to Williams side while the other looked irritated. Sebastian then led them inside where they could change during intermission. During the time food was passed out for lunch and the servants tried to peak at how Sebastian and Claude set up the sets so quickly, foiled by Snake's snakes each time.

Elizabeth clung to Ciel's side constantly, complimenting him while Alois seemed to avoid him completely, mostly conversing with the Viscount, who kept commenting on how good he would look in a dress, doing well to piss Ciel off. Finally after what seemed like a forever of Soma and Elizabeth’s endless talk Alois skipped over.

"Time to change for the next skit~" Alois said with a wink, dragging Ciel off before he could argue. Not long after the servants ushered everyone back down to their spots before the stage and Elizabeth re-sat herself in the narrator’s chair. The play began as she spoke, though the curtains were yet to open.

"Once upon a time in a faraway land there lived a beautiful princess, her beauty fairer than the dawn. Her father and mother searched and searched for a suitable heir and husband for their daughter and kingdom, but none of Nobel blood that could be trusted with such treasures lived in their time. And so, they did seek the help of a great witch. 'I shall set a spell to put the kingdom into a great slumber, and when a worthy heir is to come about his true loving kiss shall awaken her and the land!' the witch proclaimed. Centuries passed, and the castle became shrouded in foliage, the people and their land a legend. The sleeping beauty lay unawakened with her kingdom." As she said this the curtains slowly opened, overgrown rose bushes covering what appeared to be a bed chamber, with a person sleeping on the bed that cantered the room. By the blond hair and the absence of a certain evil little tart anywhere else a good guess was the so called 'Sleeping Beauty' was Alois.

"Centuries later a prince of a faraway land came to the castle, having heard the myths of a beautiful princess asleep in her chambers, and the spell upon her kingdom. He climbed the castle walls and broke through the overgrown garden that was the old palace in search of her."

The door on the side of the stage opened and Ciel stepped in dressed as a prince again, sword out in order to cut through the offending plants and greenery. Finally with a little struggle against the shrubbery he made it to the bedside of the sleeping princess and sheathed his sword with some difficulty.

Ciel sighed and mumbled to himself irritated.

"Why is it we only do the kissing scenes in all this?!" Putting it behind him he leaned closer to the bed.

Everyone watched, almost expecting Ciel to retreat last minute by the hesitant look on his face.

Alois smiled and stifled giggles, which made Ciel stop and wait for him to finish laughing. The blond bit his lips and clenched his eyes shut, still giggling while Ciel leaned over him, eyes shut as he tried to not laugh also.

"Why are you laughing?" The dark haired 'prince' questioned snappily to stop himself from laughing with the blond.

"I don't know-hmhm-, I can feel you--getting-ts- closer."

"Ugh. Shut up." Alois bit his lips together trying not to smile and Ciel took a deep breath before he attempted the scene again.

Ciel leaned in again, their lips an inch apart before Alois lost composure and started tittering again. Ciel sighed and hung his head before he too lost it and started giggling.

"S-stop laughing!"

"You s-top laughing!" Alois said through laughter, rolling over onto his stomach and laughing into the pillows. Ciel let his arms lose strength and his torso rest on the bed, his face in Alois's neck as he tried to stop snickering.

"You’re supposed to be sleeping damn it!" Ciel mumbled, before laughing again.

"Okay okay okay," Alois turned over back onto his back while Ciel lifted his head up and took a deep breath, "okay." He shut his eyes and mouth, pretending his best to sleep. Ciel also took a breath and shut his eyes as he got closer.

"Third time luck-" Ciel said to himself, his breath tickling Alois's lips and making the other kiss him before he finished his sentence to stop the laughter before it started.

Everyone clapped as their lips finally met after such a trying lead up. The clapping continued as everyone waited for the two to stop. Slowly the clapping faded, but Alois and Ciel didn't, they actually started kissing harder. Alois's hands wrapped around Ciel's neck as the other climbed over him on the bed.

For a serious and sour aphephobic, Ciel sure knew how to French kiss. Alois moaned, welcoming Ciel tongue into his mouth, and put his hand up the others shirt. Ciel shivered and let Alois get on top of him, the blonds wig falling off in the process.

The Queen coughed loudly in order to gain the two's attention to no avail. Elizabeth had already fainted in her seat.

"Agni, what are they doing?"

"Cover your eyes my pure prince!" Soma was then engulfed by Agni's protective arms and his face shoved into the others chest.

"That’s is definitely not in the script, says Oscar. Where is Bronte, says Keats?"

"Shit!" Ciel yelled, jumping up and falling off the bed as a snake slid around his and Alois's neck.

"There is Bronte, says Wilde."

"Oh my God!" Alois quickly got up and out of the bed where the snake was sitting hissing at them.

"Snake!" Ciel called for the two-blooded man to come fetch his friend and the man crawled out from under the bed where he hid.

"Now is not the time for such actions, says Bronte." Alois blushed and bit his lip nodding and Ciel forced a cough.

"I have no idea what you talking about." The lord claimed before bowing to the audience and leaving the stage. Alois followed after quickly, giggling hysterically.

Sebastian and Claude returned again from the manor kitchen with tea. God knows why it had taken them both so long to make it.

"Sebastian!" Ciel, still in his prince clothes as he had to change for the next play anyway, had come out to get a cup of tea and cause his butler misery for not being present and doing something.

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Go change for your part." He said, smirking evilly.

"Of course My Lord, come Claude." Sebastian then left with his usual smile, Claude following after like a dog.

"Prince Soma! As Elizabeth is indisposed would you please take her place in the next play! You really don't need to do anything~" Alois pleaded clinging onto the Indian Prince's arm.

"Of course! Anything for a friend of Ciel’s!"

"Great! Let’s go change~" the blond said seductively before dragging the other off.

"M-My prince!" Agni called after, highly concerned for his prince’s integrity.

"Bloody skinny little tart." Ciel growled through clenched teeth, taking a large swig of his sweet tea.

"What a lovely performance, boy. Such a shame it proved too intense for your ex-fiancée."

"Ex, your Highness?"

"Well you don't honestly think she'll marry you after that performance! You didn't want to marry your relative anyway."

"That is true, your majesty, I was hoping she would experience a light amnesia. If not I still doubt the engagement will be so easy to break. I have tried. "

"Leave it to me boy and go change. You wouldn't want that little broken butterfly flying off with an Indian royal, now would you?"

"Your highness?"

"Trancy. You wouldn't want him to seduce the Indian boy and start shagging him in the carriage, now would you?"

"Excuse me your Excellency." Victoria gave a light giggle as the boy bowed and walked off in the direction of the 'dressing rooms' as fast as possible. Children were rather easily swayed. If only her children were so cute rather than how ugly they turned out.

"My my, what a beautiful servant you are." Druitt commented, approaching Mey-Rin from behind.

"S-sorry my Lord!?"

"Do not apologies fair maiden, please allow me to remove you glasses so that I may gaze into their beauty!"

"What's he talking about?" Finny whispered to Bard confused. Bard shrugged, cigarette hanging from his mouth.

"U-umm, umm- n-no no! I'm far sighted! I can't see without them!" The Viscount smiled and removed her glasses slowly.

"Far sighted? My my, so you are my little hawk maiden!"

"U-umm-"

"So tell me why you are yet to act my dear? I would love to see you on stage."

"E-err, I-I'm Mamma Bear in the last play." She said blushing and pushing her index fingers together.

"Well, well. What a role. So meaningful and important. "

"Uuur, we need to go change, come on Finny." Bard said turning to go change while Finny followed, waving to Viscount and Mey-Rin.

"B-but-!"

"Aahh my dear Hawk eyed maiden, tell me, how would you like to come to one of my parties?" He asked, advancing closer.

"U-Um-I-I, wait... Aren't you the one who sells women on the black-magic market?"

"Oh my! Look the play will soon begin! Here you are my dear~ Let us take our seats."

"B-but-!"

The curtains moved but didn't open as if someone was fussing behind them, then Alois fell through them, followed by Ciel who fell on his back. Soma then stepped through the curtain gap on his knees, which had fake shoes on them. All three had been dressed up as dwarfs. Soma was followed by Agni, who had followed his prince in panic and ended up dressed up as a dwarf too. Lau, Bard and Finny then stepped through the closed red curtain, Also on their knees. Ciel was the only dwarf not on his knees, as he was as tall as most the adults on their knees, and still shorter than Agni. All seven dwarfs stood in a line in front of the shut crimson curtains. Bard coughed before speaking.

"My name's Sneezy, Aaachooo!"

"I'm Happy!" Finny exclaimed joyously.

"I am Doc." Agni said in his thick Indian accent, followed by Soma.

"I am the tired dwarf Sleepy!" The prince then yawned.

"My name is Dopy." Lau said bowing.

"Hehe~ My name's Bashful~" Alois followed blushing.

“...” Everyone waited for Ciel to speak but the boy was busy brooding, looking rather annoyed. Alois bumped his side gently to get the boys attention and put on his best puppy dog eyes. Ciel groaned and sighed. "I'm... Grumpy the dwarf." A little chuckle broke out in the audience at how well he fit the part causing, him to become even more peeved.

"Once upon a time in a faraway land," Bards gruff voice began,

"There lived a beautiful princess named Snow White." Finny said next.

"She had-"

"We know the story! Get to the skit!" Ronald yelled out, and most of the audience nodded their heads in approval. the dwarfs looked to one another and shrugged.

"Urrr, skipping then to the part when Snow White fell asleep and awaits her prince charming!" Finny exclaimed and the curtains parted to reveal the scene of a beautiful garden in front of a dwarf sized cottage, a glass coffin covered in flowers centre stage. The dwarfs crowded around the coffin looking solemn, except Ciel who was grinning evilly at his butler dressed as Snow White stuck in the glass coffin feigning sleep.

A horse whinnied and Prince Charming rode into the stage, the almost setting sun behind silhouetting his majestic form atop the white stallion. To the audience’s surprise, Claude dismounted the horse and walked over to the transparent coffin with a look of purpose.

Ciel's evil smile widened at what was to come.

The golden eyed butler opened the coffin lid and looked down at the 'princess' adoringly, before leaning in for a soft kiss. Sebastian’s eyes shot open.

"HIYAA!!!" Claude was kung-fu chopped so hard he flew across the stage, smashing against his horse, causing them both to tumble backwards in a mess of horse and 'human' limbs.

Sebastian stood high above the dwarfs atop his coffin, a strong smile, his dress skirt like a cape causing him to resemble a superhero with his hands on his hips.

"I, Snow White, demand change in the mining industry!" All the dwarfs looked at each other confused, besides Soma who had actually fallen asleep on the ground, so deep in his character.

Claude began to get back up and make his way back to the coffin.

"The forest has no voice so I shall speak for it! Your mining kills animals and destroys their homes! I shall not let it be so in my Kingdom!! Get off me you pervert!" Sebastian kicked Claude across the room when the other tried to pick him up off the coffin and throw him over his shoulder.

"If our demands are not met, the animals shall riot! So says the Queen of Critters!!!" The horse bayed in agreement and an assortment of animals such as deer, birds, squirrels, rabbits, and about a hundred cats all made noises in reply, gathering around the glass coffin Snow White stood on. Ciel ran from the horde of cats and pressed against the side of the stage set looking horror stricken. Birds dropped flowers and Happy the Dwarf scattered smooshed petals excitedly.

Claude tried to get up once again but was trampled by his excited horse which cantered over to Snow White. Sebastian smiled and jumped on the horse which reared majestically with a loud neigh. The dwarfs applauded, all except Grumpy, impressed by the show. Sebastian began blowing kisses in every direction as the horse trotted towards off stage, followed by all the critters and the seven dwarfs. Prince Charming attempted to get back on the horse with his 'true love' but was brutally forced off by Sebastian and then trampled by the horse, before being stampeded by the following animals and actors on their knees. Alois seemed to especially enjoy trampling him and jumped a few times.

Eventually all that was left was a very mangled Prince as the curtains closed. It took the crowd a moment clap, probably shocked from the brutal rejection Claude seemed to have actually enjoyed.

The actors came to the front of the curtain and bowed, as did Claude, looking perfect and un-mangled once again. His fatal mistake was taking Sebastian's hand, though it's what they were supposed to when they all bowed together, which earned him the most brutal attack he was yet to endure, but he seemed to enjoy every second of it. For some-reason Earl Charles Grey lost composure at this and began laughing hysterically till his partner gave him a stern look, quietening him to a giggle.

Grell look torn between happiness and heartbroken, as his Bassy was beating someone other than him so passionately and enjoying it, but then again he was beating someone other than him so passionately and enjoying it.

Most of the actors came back from behind stage and Mey-Rin left to go get ready, happy to be leaving the dangerous Viscounts side as he made her heart thump in a scary way. Alois, Bard, Finny, and Ciel remained backstage while Sebastian was still in the Snow-White costume surrounded by animals. Claude followed like one of the animals, gaining a hit or kick if he got too close. Soma gloated of his wonderful performance, and the Viscount agreed wholeheartedly, laying the compliments out thick, babbling about grace and divinity, causing Agni to nod proudly, tears glistening in his eyes.

Meanwhile Miss Nina Hopkins was trying to help Elizabeth's bell jingling nurse to revive the still unconscious lady, but whenever she awoke she'd recall the 'incident' and faint again.

"Who's going to narrate the next play?" Soma asked, tugging on Snake's arm for attention as the snake man was busy with his head in the script Sebastian had written out.

"There is no narrator, the skit is well known enough, says Wordsworth."

"Then why are they doing it?" Soma

"I believe it's a form of humorous torture, says Bronte. Payment for something, says Goethe."

"Payment?" Soma repeated thoughtful and curious.

"My Prince, perhaps it has something to do with the odd gentleman in black laying down the front chuckling?" Agni suggested making his prince even more curious.

Everyone was ushered to sit again by Snake who then rushed back behind stage to hide on set as the curtains parted. One curtain opened the whole way but the other stayed covering up half the stage. The uncovered part of the set was woods, and just before were the curtain edge covered there was the beginnings of a house.

Alois walked onto the set looking grumpy, a curly gold wig and pink dress. He groaned.

"Remind me why Elizabeth couldn't do this part!?" Alois huffed irritated.

"She's still passed out, says Emily. You were the best replacement, says Oscar."

"Ugh! Women are so pathetic, passing out just because we were making out. Ugh."

"Stick to the script! Says Wordsworth." Alois rolled his eyes and cleared his throat.

"I'm tired, Oh look! A cottage!" He said almost sarcastically in an overly energetic way before walking over indifferently, picking the lock, and walking in. The other half of the curtain then opened to reveal the cottage's innards, including a dining room and one bedroom.

"Okay let’s get this over with. I'm hungry, O look! Porridge!" Alois walked over to the table and did the scene as quickly as possible.

"Too hot, too cold. Meh, it'll do. Now where to sit?" He then tried all the chairs surrounding the table. "Too hard, oh naughty~ Too soft, rude much. This l' do." He then sat and ate the porridge on the little chair. He looked oddly at the chair under him, as if expecting something, and gave the leg a kick. As he did the chair toppled, causing him to land on his ass.

"Ouff! Owww..." He rubbed his behind and straightened his wig. "Damn fucking chair." He mumbled, putting the small half empty porridge bowl back on the table.

Alois feigned a yawn.

"M' tired." He then walked into the next room and switched the light on to reveal three beds. He strolled over and flopped on the biggest first.

"Too big and hard~ the fuck is wrong with goldilocks? Who wouldn't go for the biggest and hardest!?" He complained before moving to the next and crawling on in a sexy fashion.

"To soft," then the next which he only just fit on, "this is nice, (not), nap time." He then proceeded to strip down to his feminine underwear, including a flat chested bra oddly enough, just as Elizabeth gained consciousness, causing her to faint again. Poor girl. The Druitt however was thoroughly enjoying the show.

Alois slipped under the covers and the light went out, the curtain re-covering only the bedroom.

Mey-Rin, Finny, and Bard then walked on set dressed as 'the three bears'.

"Tell me, who does the boy play?" Her Highness asked Sebastian as the bears began questioning the open door. Sebastian was still dressed in his Snow White get up and sitting on top of a beaten and love-struck Claude.

"The Master?" The Queen nodded. "Bocchan isn't in the last play, Your Grace." The Queen looked around confused.

"Where on earth is he then?"

As the bears inspected their chairs and food, Bard as Papa bear, Mey-Rin as Mama bear, and Finny as Baby bear, Alois began to fall asleep.

The bed dipped unexpectedly as a new weight came upon it. Alois opened an eye to see a blushing and annoyed looking Ciel.

"Ciel?"

"You look ludicrous, take off those women's underwear. And that stupid wig."

"Oh, Ciel~ Naughty~ As you wish~"

"Someone broke my seat!" Cried Finny. Bard and Mey-Rin comforted the 'cub', Mey-Rin getting overly worried and promising him a new chair and more porridge, not made by Bard.

It took some time to stop the tears but when they did they were able to continue, walking over to the slightly ajar door. Bard put his head closer to the door cautiously, an odd expression from the quiet noises on the other side.

"Mmmm-hmm-mmm-ahh, mmm~!" Bard pulled back and shrugged to Mey-Rin and Finny who both looked confused.

They slowly opened the door, the curtain pulling back as they did. Bard flicked the lights and everyone froze.

Alois and Ciel were all over each other, kissing hotly and taking absolutely no notice of those around them as a naked Alois ridded Ciel of his irritatingly hard to remove shirt. Ciel pushed him down roughly, causing Alois to cry out hotly and moan loudly as the boy began licking and biting down his throat.

Elizabeth, who had just woken, again, stared in shock, unable to do anything but gape.

The Queen covered her mouth and coughed before whispering to her assistant, "They should have gone with the bigger bed." True enough the two had no choice but to be on top of one another due to the beds minimal size.

Alois let out a loud moan, gasping and clawing at Ciel's back as he was entered viciously.

"A-Ahhh-!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA-!KEKE!AHAHAHAHA!" Undertaker began laughing his ass off, rolling around on the ground. "HAHA-O-Okay-HEHEHE~! I-I'll tell you everything! HAHAHAHA!!!" Sebastian smiled at their triumph and nodded to a little chipmunk on Claude's head happily.

 

And so Alois and Ciel continued ignorant that they'd been caught,

Elizabeth wept for losing Ciel to a tart,

Viscount Druitt wept for the plays' beauty,

Hannah wept for her Masters happiness,

Undertaker laughed, hysterically, finally.

Queen Victoria giggled, shocked from her spider and watchdogs little 'show', blushing guiltily at how much she enjoyed it, for once glad her darling deceased Albert wasn't around to see.

William left disgusted, as he always did when he left somewhere demons where,

Grell left happy, planning how he would surprise William naked on his office desk (who cares if the last dozen times had no effect).

Ronald left confused, but happy for his senpie who seemed pretty happy.

Soma remained confused as to what had happened,

Agni dreaded explaining the truth to his beloved prince.

Snake and his snakes continued to look through the script for all the scenes that had happened but not been rehearsed,

Mey-Rin went into the emergency room from severe blood loss through her nose,

Finny remained innocent and oblivious to everything,

Bard tried to smoke out the image of the two young boys from his mind,

Madam tailor left with a whole new range of ideas, and fantasies,

Lau and Ran-Mao left unfazed,

Claude was left bruised and love-struck,

Sebastian became Queen of the forest,

And they all live happily ever after?

_THE END~_

_"Hohoho~"_

**Author's Note:**

> Was it funny!? I thought it was I'm sorry XD Remember to Kudos!


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